.

.

.

Popularity: 40% [?]

On our way from a short unplanned Vegas trip. Despite of the aircon on full blast, I can still feel the 100-some temperature outside. Adding to that, the traffic is terrible! But, we're not in a hurry. Home is waiting and I keep telling Rolly to pull over if he's got to stretch. We had so much fun. Ate Myla invited us to stay at their timeshare located near the strip so we saved on hotel stay. Rolly gambled a little bit last night while I took Alyssa shopping. After dinner, the three of us went to Excalibur Arcade and tried to win her some toys. We ended up spending a 50 dollars but only got her three little stuff animals. We tried to win her another guitar but after several tries, we knew it is not going to happen. With 50 dollar, we could have gotten her better toys. But Rolly was right, it was all about the fun. Alyssa was happy and that mattered most. Besides, she got herself a pretty unicorn toy for $32.00 at the casino gift shop.

Before heading to California, we stopped by Fashion Outlet for lunch and for a little more shopping. Rolly gave me his Visa and an hour for us to shop. I was supposed to get me some clothes but I got busy buying stuff for Alyssa that I ran out of time. We went to Gymboree, Childrens Place and Old Navy. I also bought my nephew and niece some clothes I will be sending home. I owe them a lot now, I feel bad that I haven't sent them anything for a long time...

Few hours away from home. I feel tired. Tomorrow until Wednesday I will be working the long hours (again). This first five days of August, I was supposed to work my second 5-day straight 12 hours but I'd rather not anymore. From Monday through Friday last week, instead of doing the whole week I was able to have them alter the schedule so I only worked my regular shift Friday. I don't really mind doing it but because of some words from the outgoing lab manager about an issue that was blown out of proportion last week, I know I have the right to say no to what I wasn't hired to do. I was dismayed. (Refer to this blog entry)

Been on the lab for six months. JUST six months. I don't have the knowledge of someone working there for 22 years. I am now going against what I said about NOT running away from what is expected of me. I have insufficient experience and limited capability. It takes so much for me to deal with my own work-related problems and I can't take anymore responsibility trying to cover for two more people just because I started few months ahead of them. NO.

So basically I am over it. All my life, I feel like everyone expected way too much of me. My Mom and Dad expected more, my teachers expected more... my friends expected more. Yeah, it did push me to better myself. However, I feel like it stole my bargaining power. I know my Mom and Dad mean well, of course they do. But I have now come to doubt other people. If before I am gullible, I have now built this unseen wall around me. There is no denying that I totally changed into something I used not to be. I have to... Dee Anne is right, no matter where I go, NO one will protect my interest but me. NO one will fight my battle but me.

I tried to be nice, to be reliable, to be someone very dependable. But words forcefully mold a person, sooner or later you give in to the distress of hearing something unpleasant or negative- it doesn't matter who it comes from. If someone attacks you personally and you were not able to brace yourself, either you break or you are pushed to stand up for yourself. In several occasions, I played it safe. What did I learn after? The resentment keeps building up. It is not very healthy...

I want to have mental satisfaction as well as enough physical rest in order for me to successfully do my work. If both is not met, then what will be expected of me? I am getting tired of the struggle. I am choosing to end it... three days days staying for four more hours. Just extra hours. Not extra responsibility. Just extra hours. And that's it... no more worries.

Popularity: 47% [?]

Do you know the feeling when you are just on the edge and about ready to just throw all things out? Just leave. Just break free. Today is one of those days when I am just too tired to go on. So I sit here... blogging. Just like always. Trying to let go of all my frustrations and disappointments. The same day last year, I was just on my happiest. The day before my birthday. I had everyone I needed to celebrate another memorable year: My Mom and Dad, Rolly and Alyssa, my Brother Resti and his family and ate Cita. Just few of the people who knows me and in return, I feel comfortable to be around with.

November 25... that is today. Alyssa is buckled up and enjoying her afternoon nap. And here I am sitting in the car trying to escape insanity. I just don't know how to start it or how to say it better. Should I act naive and skip the worst scenario of my morning and just go forward with the good one? That's what I've been doing for forever. Right? Always trying to live the perfect life, stretching my smile even if I am actually hurting inside, screening up all the pain and selecting the best. I've been good at that... just letting words pass me by. Always thinking not to take things personally. Just to let it go, Rosalyn. Just let it go.

All these times, I come to my blog and live the "Beautiful Life". I say beautiful because despite of challenges that continuously unfold and trials that bruise me, I still manage to show a genuine smile to people I love. I still can laugh outrageously. And when I go to the lake, I still am mesmerized by its serenity. And I am thankful that on these simple things, I see life on it's positive side. And yet sometimes, you get so tired and you just can't take it anymore.

I am human (again). I am entitled to feelings and emotions myself. I hate it when I have to stand up for myself. But I will. Just because I don't expect anybody to do that on my behalf. I don't like it when I have to answer back. But I will. Because now, it is my way of shielding myself from pain. I don't enjoy building a fence around me. But I am. Because I realized how vulnerable I've become when I opened all my doors. I don't want to drift away. But I am choosing to. Because I want to move on and be so far away.

Being married... it is sweet. And yet there are those instances you cannot avoid. And as I go on, I have come to realize how wonderful my Dad is to my Mom. How wonderful my Brother(s) is(were) to my sister(s)-in-law. Their state of marriage is my definition of marital relationship. I have to be very honest and say mine is a little bit challenged not by a ceasing love and adoration, but by something of a lesser relevance yet with such impact. I am finding myself on a daily battle and it is not my desire to break any bond. As I have said I escaped way so many times that if I have to do it again, I will. But I would no longer compromise my feelings. The matter I have to ponder now is that: Should I take in a favor and be in debt for the rest of my life?

Popularity: 9% [?]

There are those times I feel so down and yet for years, I've managed to put on a smile and pretended everything is just perfect. At work, one of my friends started calling me Sponge Bobbalyn (based on Nick's cartoon, Sponge Bob) because he thought I was gullible (now, I don't know if that's a good thing), always cheerful, very friendly and easily trusted. Believe me, I was all that. I never had problems making friends. I've always been a good listener. I never cheated on anyone. I was always the happy one. I never said NO when I was asked to do favors. I chose my words carefully... I was good at that.

But the world is just a crazy place to be. I learned that you ought to guard yourself because nobody will do it for you. You will never know how it feels like to be subject to insult until someone does the same thing to you. And because of that, you should not lie to yourself. It is just human nature to feel dislike and disappointment. And if I continuously hide my face with the mask of perfection, then I am being mischievous not only to people around me, but also to myself as well. Life is not perfect, neither am I. I don't expect anybody to live their lives according to my terms, nor do I expect everyone i know to like me. I can only offer my truth. That is: I am for real.

---

Last night, we went to buy an HDMI cable but ended up getting Alyssa a new dress instead. She can't get enough of it so I decided to take that chance to dress her up and take her for a photo session. That will be my PROJECT 360 for today!
[SinglePic not found]

Popularity: 11% [?]

I agree, words can be powerful. The way you choose to say them define you. As much as a word makes you, it also breaks you into pieces. There is this known phrase in the Philippines that goes: "You can physically hurt me and when the bruises are gone, I might not remember it. But emotional torture, that I won't forget." Something like that... it is always better when you say it with the original language but I hope it is well translated. Basically, what it wants to convey is that the pain that words inflict is almost forever. It is infinite, it never ends. It will never be forgotten and will always be remembered.

Gone are those days that I just sit and cry and keep everything to myself. I take challenges so as long as it is not personal. And I always stand by my idea that IF I have something to say that might be hurtful or insulting in any way, I will try to rephrase it. And I am living with my promises of keeping personal stories that were said to me forever a secret. This is my journal. And as you go through each line, it reflects my own experiences. Nobody else's. It describes my OWN feelings. Nobody else's. For IF I am to transcribe everything I heard, I will be breaking the bond with just one entry.

[SinglePic not found]
My 360 Project is photo taken by my Dad. I am breaking my rule, copied the photo from my sister-in-law's website and posted it here because yesterday, I had long conversation with my Mom. The person that is always there on every level of my life. The one who celebrated with me on my little successes. The one who feels more pain and yet remains stronger when I am in my misery. The person who I always run to and she embraces me back with such comforting arms that melt all my worries. She is the most gentle of all Mothers. Never did I say anything nor complained about how she raised us. She turned her back on a fine Australian scholarship to take care of her kids. And years after, she finished up her Doctoral Degree (like my Dad) and still remained humble.

---

Feeding up your curiosity. Read related PERSONAL BLOGS:
Yesterday's Sermon
Sunday Dinner
Home is TRULY where the Heart Is
Personal in Nature
Away. So Very Far Away.

Popularity: 11% [?]