At 28 and for couple of months, my learning experience is fast forward. When I see my reflection, I don’t see that same naive person that I used to be. The once gullible Rosalyn seemed to have vanished away. Now, I am left with the feelings of uncertainty. I doubt the world even with the goodness that it brings. I know behind every pleasant thing that I see is the reality that is awaiting to be uncovered. Always two-faced just like a coin. Always two-sided like a story. Every situation is an iceberg, what you see above water is just a fraction of the whole thing. There is more to it than you expect.
As I reflect on my everyday existence, I realized I haven’t lived my life the way some people are doing it. In a way I am at peace knowing that I have shown the best of what I’ve got. I have smiled and laughed my heart out, and opened up the pages of my life to friends. In the process of gaining allies, I lost my sense of security. At the back of it all, I know I was perceived to be someone needy. Needy for assistance, for help, for understanding. Needy for everything. I AM NOT THAT PERSON.
All my life, I haven’t accepted favors that would make me feel better as a person. Nor did I provide aid just because I wanted something in return. And if I could, I would refuse to take in assistance just because I don’t want to be in debt. That is the worst of it all, having a debt that has no specific payoff. But Rolly always know what to say: “You owe this to yourself and not anybody else” or to make things lighter he would make statement like: “You owe me because I forced you to doing it.” Seriously, if he’s not on my back always pushing and encouraging me, I wouldn’t even give things a chance.
The bottom line, it is indeed hard to be in between a rock and a hard place. Damn if you, damn if you don’t.