Do you know the feeling when you are just on the edge and about ready to just throw all things out? Just leave. Just break free. Today is one of those days when I am just too tired to go on. So I sit here… blogging. Just like always. Trying to let go of all my frustrations and disappointments. The same day last year, I was just on my happiest. The day before my birthday. I had everyone I needed to celebrate another memorable year: My Mom and Dad, Rolly and Alyssa, my Brother Resti and his family and ate Cita. Just few of the people who knows me and in return, I feel comfortable to be around with.
November 25… that is today. Alyssa is buckled up and enjoying her afternoon nap. And here I am sitting in the car trying to escape insanity. I just don’t know how to start it or how to say it better. Should I act naive and skip the worst scenario of my morning and just go forward with the good one? That’s what I’ve been doing for forever. Right? Always trying to live the perfect life, stretching my smile even if I am actually hurting inside, screening up all the pain and selecting the best. I’ve been good at that… just letting words pass me by. Always thinking not to take things personally. Just to let it go, Rosalyn. Just let it go.
All these times, I come to my blog and live the “Beautiful Life”. I say beautiful because despite of challenges that continuously unfold and trials that bruise me, I still manage to show a genuine smile to people I love. I still can laugh outrageously. And when I go to the lake, I still am mesmerized by its serenity. And I am thankful that on these simple things, I see life on it’s positive side. And yet sometimes, you get so tired and you just can’t take it anymore.
I am human (again). I am entitled to feelings and emotions myself. I hate it when I have to stand up for myself. But I will. Just because I don’t expect anybody to do that on my behalf. I don’t like it when I have to answer back. But I will. Because now, it is my way of shielding myself from pain. I don’t enjoy building a fence around me. But I am. Because I realized how vulnerable I’ve become when I opened all my doors. I don’t want to drift away. But I am choosing to. Because I want to move on and be so far away.
Being married… it is sweet. And yet there are those instances you cannot avoid. And as I go on, I have come to realize how wonderful my Dad is to my Mom. How wonderful my Brother(s) is(were) to my sister(s)-in-law. Their state of marriage is my definition of marital relationship. I have to be very honest and say mine is a little bit challenged not by a ceasing love and adoration, but by something of a lesser relevance yet with such impact. I am finding myself on a daily battle and it is not my desire to break any bond. As I have said I escaped way so many times that if I have to do it again, I will. But I would no longer compromise my feelings. The matter I have to ponder now is that: Should I take in a favor and be in debt for the rest of my life?