Recently, I noticed I’ve been a little tougher to people around me. I’ve actually started saying No on situations I would normally say Yes on. I have now found myself often sitting on the corner, disengaging from some social conversations. I am more quiet nowadays, and yes, I am happier inside.
Few weeks ago, I experienced internal tirade. I was caught on an ugly web of She Said This, You Said This. Again. I said to myself: “Rosalyn, you can handle this gracefully. It was not like you have not been on this situation before. Remember that little Filipino Girl you had to put up with for so many years?” Yes, I do recall every single moment of that unfortunate day I finally lost my cool. It was not beautiful.
As I started on a career in a new environment, it didn’t take me long to realize that there is no perfect place. Just like everywhere I’ve been, I became a witness to indolence, disrespect, incompetence and total lack of motivation. As I was always treated to know better, I tend to do more. I try to understand and extend a hand when needed. I offered more than I can did more than I have to. If there is a reputation I build myself upon for years, it is the passion for the job that I do, and the “NICE”” persona that I have cultivated as a habit.
However, with my previous experience I know being nice has it’s limits and mine is at its final tail. This time, though, I am glad I was able to recognize the signs that it is definitely wearing thin on me. The more I become agreeable to everything, the unhappier I become. And as I take all sorts of loads from others, I feel more tired than ever.
I’ve heard words circulating around but I made sure I kept it to myself. My reason is simple, I would not be the cause of someone else’s displeasure and agony. I just refuse to be the bearer of something unpleasant to someone. But as I’ve become subjected to the same situation, standing there listening to someone telling me that my private conversation was overheard, I felt disrespected. One reason presented why I have to be talked to is because they assume I am just too NICE to say something, and that someone has to step up to speak for my sake. Unjustifiable.
Why? Maybe I have not set my boundaries on a clear red line, but I assume that we are all human enough to recognize that there are limits to what one can do and one can take. And I would have just let it go no mater how difficult it was to understand other’s reasonings, but as it did, it happened again. To confront another moment of someone saying, “She said you were ratting out on me.” WHY? Why would I waste my precious time going to someone’s office to rat out on a person almost everybody’s talking about? The times I am not doing anything are the several times I have called in sick due to some personal reasons, other than that I have not found so much free time at work to have the leisure on sitting down talking about someone. Believe me, I can account for every second of company time I am getting paid for.
But, I later came to realize that these are all rooted on social relationships. Everyone is trying to be someone else’s ally. This is not a unique culture. Over the years, I’ve seen people group around just to talk. And that’s how words spread from one mouth to another. It is a vicious cycle and I am refusing to be part of it. I have started to cut away myself from toxic work relationships. And as much as I love the learning curve and I appreciate everyone that contributed to my current knowledge, I am now on the way out and hoping for a different environment soon. I will always be grateful, and will be happy to be back as needed.
For now, I am ready to go forward and excited to rebuild my self…
Image Credit: Jezebel.com/ Stop Being Nice and Start Embracing Your Inner Bitch