On our way from a short unplanned Vegas trip. Despite of the aircon on full blast, I can still feel the 100-some temperature outside. Adding to that, the traffic is terrible! But, we’re not in a hurry. Home is waiting and I keep telling Rolly to pull over if he’s got to stretch. We had so much fun. Ate Myla invited us to stay at their timeshare located near the strip so we saved on hotel stay. Rolly gambled a little bit last night while I took Alyssa shopping. After dinner, the three of us went to Excalibur Arcade and tried to win her some toys. We ended up spending a 50 dollars but only got her three little stuff animals. We tried to win her another guitar but after several tries, we knew it is not going to happen. With 50 dollar, we could have gotten her better toys. But Rolly was right, it was all about the fun. Alyssa was happy and that mattered most. Besides, she got herself a pretty unicorn toy for $32.00 at the casino gift shop.

Before heading to California, we stopped by Fashion Outlet for lunch and for a little more shopping. Rolly gave me his Visa and an hour for us to shop. I was supposed to get me some clothes but I got busy buying stuff for Alyssa that I ran out of time. We went to Gymboree, Childrens Place and Old Navy. I also bought my nephew and niece some clothes I will be sending home. I owe them a lot now, I feel bad that I haven’t sent them anything for a long time…

Few hours away from home. I feel tired. Tomorrow until Wednesday I will be working the long hours (again). This first five days of August, I was supposed to work my second 5-day straight 12 hours but I’d rather not anymore. From Monday through Friday last week, instead of doing the whole week I was able to have them alter the schedule so I only worked my regular shift Friday. I don’t really mind doing it but because of some words from the outgoing lab manager about an issue that was blown out of proportion last week, I know I have the right to say no to what I wasn’t hired to do. I was dismayed. (Refer to this blog entry)

Been on the lab for six months. JUST six months. I don’t have the knowledge of someone working there for 22 years. I am now going against what I said about NOT running away from what is expected of me. I have insufficient experience and limited capability. It takes so much for me to deal with my own work-related problems and I can’t take anymore responsibility trying to cover for two more people just because I started few months ahead of them. NO.

So basically I am over it. All my life, I feel like everyone expected way too much of me. My Mom and Dad expected more, my teachers expected more… my friends expected more. Yeah, it did push me to better myself. However, I feel like it stole my bargaining power. I know my Mom and Dad mean well, of course they do. But I have now come to doubt other people. If before I am gullible, I have now built this unseen wall around me. There is no denying that I totally changed into something I used not to be. I have to… Dee Anne is right, no matter where I go, NO one will protect my interest but me. NO one will fight my battle but me.

I tried to be nice, to be reliable, to be someone very dependable. But words forcefully mold a person, sooner or later you give in to the distress of hearing something unpleasant or negative- it doesn’t matter who it comes from. If someone attacks you personally and you were not able to brace yourself, either you break or you are pushed to stand up for yourself. In several occasions, I played it safe. What did I learn after? The resentment keeps building up. It is not very healthy…

I want to have mental satisfaction as well as enough physical rest in order for me to successfully do my work. If both is not met, then what will be expected of me? I am getting tired of the struggle. I am choosing to end it… three days days staying for four more hours. Just extra hours. Not extra responsibility. Just extra hours. And that’s it… no more worries.